Thursday, September 22, 2011

O for "Oh, Parents"

I'm not looking forward to this.  What 's "this"?  Two nights without mom.  That means, two nights only with dad.  I have no objection to my mom's visiting her parents, but it is really stressful to be left alone with dad.  Sounds like I'm still a teenager, but what he does to me is just like he used to do to me and my sister 15 years ago; preaching.  At this age, I don't care for being caught in the serious conversation, which mainly consists of complaints and blaming about me being over 30, dependent, single, and hardly making money (according to his standard).  I have my own thoughts, but neither of us is interested in sharing them.  They don't respect or even think that I have something in my mind.  What they do is to insert sneaky criticism into the conversation anytime they have a chance.  Now everyone thought that they desperately want to get rid of me from home?  No.  At least, my mom doesn't.  She wants to see me leave home for getting married or moving to Canada, for no other reasons.  Dad?  I don't know, but he might not be willing to lose the target of his bitching since he seems to think that this is a means of affectionate communication with his daughter, which is absolutely not.  Knowing thoroughly that they are just worried about my future, I should not complain.  They let me stay home and work for the small company for not worthy pay (just for my interest).  If I were a Canadian daughter, I would have been kicked out from home 14 years ago.  Yes, I am thankful.  But if only we could form a better relationship and be more independent from each other even we're living together.

Thanks to this uncomfortable environment, I started to dig up my old plan that has been abandoned for nearly a year.  I will go back to Vancouver as a graduate student.  I haven't told this to anyone else since I'm not sure yet.  But the deadline is approaching, and I don't want to wait for another 2 years, doing an interesting but low-pay job and missing Canada.  If I make it to the deadline this winter and be successful, I will be able to be a student from next September.  I have a feeling that I should bring myself in that country and then think about the way to remain there rather than spending endless years stressed and defeated.  There is a major financial obstacle, but I will figure it out.  Just I'm not going to ask my parents for money again since I've already been in a huge debt from them.  Quickly, I have to make up my mind and start moving.

The reason why I've been living in tight budget is partly because I'm saving up some money for my parents anniversary.  This is my sister's idea.  (The other daughter is thoughtful, you see.)  She has already saved enough money to serve them with a trip abroad.  As one of their daughters, I would like to take part in.  So I've been slowly working on it out of my income.  At the same time, I've been keeping some other part of my payment for myself in the bank.  I didn't have a clear goal of how much money I would need, so there is not much savings in this account.  (Moreover, all of them will be consumed for my winter trip...)  But now, I have a visible financial goal that I have to reach (tuition fee and all), I will work harder on it.  My company won't give me a raise (asking for a raise is out of question in many companies in Japan, as far as I know), so all I can do is to reduce my expense.  I will have to give up my gym membership.  Thinking of all this gave me insomnia last night.  But I feel good to know that finally something started moving in my mind.

I'm such a slow starter (and great procrastinator), it took me what, more than a year?  Gotta keep the fire burning :) 

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